So I am currently living with my boyfriend of a little over two months. Even I'm shocked about this. I don't really know how anyone else close to me feels about the situation, but I feel like i have to insure them that everything is OK And so far it has been.
Joseph is very patient and understanding and very caring. What he says he enjoys most about living with me is that he feels like a protector over me. Whatever boost his cheesy ego i guess.
Joseph is a hard worker and very motivated. What i like about him best is that he is wise with his money and he knows money doesn't come without hard work. Although I'm sure his current occupation isn't his dream he puts his all into it. And he puts his all into taking care of me.
Joseph and I had very different childhoods. And sometimes its hard to explain to him why things in my childhood are hard to talk about, but he is a very good listener and is going to be there when I'm ready to talk. Joseph was very sheltered as a kid so many of my past experiences are hard for him to believe.
I enjoy each day with him, as we grow together and teach each other new things and share our favorite memories together. Joseph works days and I work nights so all day I try to clean and have supper ready for him when he gets home. I want the few minutes we have together before I leave for work to be special. I know he appreciates this and he does his part to make my coming home from work special too. I'm very grateful of him and so happy he is in my life.
If I learned anything about healthy relationships it would be from my mother and my stepfather. In a lot of ways I see same characteristics in Joseph and my stepfather Loren. They are both dorks, keep there commitments, wise with money, patient, and understanding. I hope my family approves of Joseph because he means a lot to me.
1 comment:
Responding to the Pretend Wife
Playing the pretend wife in my opinion is like playing with Fire…. You stated you did not know what those who were close to you felt about your current choice (yes a choice you made) and so I felt compelled to respond in the most sensitive and respectful way.
Let me start by telling you my story and my experience with this: When I was 16 I met a guy (now my husband) whom I started to date. When I was 18 I moved out of my parent’s house and into my boyfriend’s parent’s house. We had been dating about two years at that point and he had a sister who was my age so I bunked up with her in her room for months. My boyfriend’s dad was a pastor and if mother was a strong vocal Christian but very loving and understanding. After living there for months I got my own apartment near where my now husband lived. Almost everyday we saw each other, I cooked supper for him most nights, and we would be together almost every hour of the day other than when we worked or when it was time to sleep. I remember many conversations before and after we got engaged (only months before getting my own place) about how I wanted him to move in with me, how I did not see any problem with it, however he stood his ground standing strong with the belief that his parents instilled that living together before marriage was not what the bible taught and how it would cause problems, temptations, and chaos that he did not want to be apart of because of how much he loved me. At the time I did not understand, I was furious with this, I thought that if he loved me he should do this because it had meant so much to me.
What I did not know or realize at the time was that I was totally dependent upon him, living no life of my own, scared to give him the reigns and to let him be in control, and that I was being selfish thinking only about the moment and not about our future. Some of this had to do with my young age, but more so that I was looking for that security, that ideal lifestyle shown in the movies, and I know now that I was not mature enough to have handled living with him and that most likely our marriage would have failed by now if we would have moved in together back then.
What I do know is that I was ready at the point to face any disappointment from any family or friends who viewed my stance of living together before marriage, however there was no one on my side of the family that protested it, not even one person who gave me there opinion on the whole situation. Maybe it was because at that point I was an adult and free to make my own choices and live with my own consequences but yet I still felt alone in it at the time.
3 weeks before my wedding date in 2003 my now husband moved most of his belongings into what would be our future apartment. And on that last trip of moving his stuff he decided that he was going to stay there with me, I of coarse did not ask any questions as to why now he thought it was okay because I was so happy that my long awaited and dreamed about day was coming true. Well that happy feeling did not last long, the next night after we both got home from work my husbands mother came over in tears, hysterical. She was very disappointed in the decision my husband made, telling him about how she raised him, what the bible and God’s stance was on this, and on and on. It was difficult hearing this from her, up and to that point we had an amazing relationship and I was looking forward to having a mother in law whom I could actually say I liked, respected, and got a long with. I stood in the kitchen listening to her try and persuade my husband, crying my eyes out because I knew that now my husband was having to choose between his future wife and his mother, and I was afraid of disappointment that he would leave and go back home choosing what his mother had stated. His mother tried to talk to me about how 3 weeks was not that long to wait after having waited so long already, and probably a lot more but I put up a wall and did not want to listen to what she had to say because I felt she was over stepping her bounds and being controlling of her first son whom was getting married, moving out of the house, and so on.
That was a very long night, my husband and I laid in the living room reading through the bible to see for ourselves what is said about our situation, about obeying your mother and father, trying to make the right choice, trying to find the truth in the matter. Why we did not do this sooner I am not sure, but when I saw my husband reach to the bible for answers I knew from that moment on that no matter what his decision was that I was going to have a great marriage to a man that wanted to find the truth, grow in his faith, who was respectful to others, and when he was conflicted or grief stricken would turn to the only place that could give him hope and the answers he needed.
Anyways after all of that history of my experiences what I have come to realize now after reading through your current living situation, after knowing and loving you for the last 19 years I have the following to say and advise to you. Please remember that what I write is only my opinion and I speak it out of love and concern for both you and your relationship with Joe, not placing any judgment on you or Joe.
Let me start with this question and keep it in mind as you read the rest of my blog, is Joe a Christian who loves the Lord? And if he is not what does that mean to you, who in your life do you know who is not a true Christian and how do they live their life with out the direction of Jesus? A believer and a non believer relationship can be very hard to maintain and make work.
I believe that Joe has been more of a respectable boyfriend than some of the ones in your past; I believe that he makes you happy, comfortable, lets you be yourself, supports you, cares for you, and wants what is best for you.
However I am truly concerned that your living situation has formed out of the desperate need for you to have somewhere to live. I feel that the convenience of this shadowed your decision making and ability to look toward the future with what you may want out of the relationship with Joe. What if your relationship does not work out with Joe what is your plan then to live on your own and move on?
I am glad to hear that you can find similarities between your step dad and Joe, because Loren is a good, honest, respectable, and loving man/father/husband. It is comforting to know that you see those same qualities in him as you do in Joe. However I still feel that you are playing with fire living with Joe and dating him.
Ask yourself did you choose to take the easiest most convenient way out of your situation? Do you think it is healthy, normal to be living together with Joe after only 3 months?
Remember you can be a good person and still make bad decisions, which is what I believe you and Joe have done. I believe you to be young, in love, living a pretend life together and yet am making bad decisions. It is true that the way a man treats his mother is most likely how they will treat you, and it is also true that a young woman who has had troubles with her father figure in her life will look (consciously or unconsciously) for a man to fill those holes, voids, pain, and this is what worries me.
Are you taking the time to strengthen yourself, deal with your past, your issues, release what needs to be released or are you covering it up/masking it with this pretend life you are living? These are only questions you can answer for yourself, however in your journey to find the truth and what is right and wrong (which only you can decide for yourself) know that you have me and many others here for support whom you can question and talk to. You may still disagree with what they have to say in the matter but isn’t it worth finding out what people who have been in your whole life have to say because they have your best interest in mind before completing the questions asked above?
Someone once told me that to be successful in your finances you should surround yourself with people who are living honestly the way you want to set your finances up and live your life. I attribute this to marriage as well, there are so many happily married couples around you that if you give them would have the opportunity to share their stories, experiences, hardships, and life lessons with you to help you steer clear of pitfalls.
Love is not easy, you have to work on it, you have to make sacrifices, you have to be willing to learn and grow up together, you have to be patient and wait, and be willing to support decisions that the other one makes. I am still learning the lessons of marriage and relationships, and I believe that the day you stop trying or learning things will unravel.
So to sum up how I feel about Joe and your relationship, I like Joe and I believe you to be happy together and good for each other however I do not condone your living situation together. I am more than willing to discuss this further with you if you would like and if you are ready to hear what more I have to say. Oh Yeah you know me I have most definitely have more to say on this.
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